In kindergarten I learned how mean kids are. All the mean kids directed their hate toward me and a couple other kids. They called me fat, ugly, made fun of my discolored teeth and hand me down clothes. I stopped showing my teeth when I smiled. This went on until freshman year of high school. The boys finally started to mature and left me alone... the damage was already done. The years that I endured this bullying my subconscious learned the language and I started bullying myself. It didn’t matter that the kids stopped making fun of me, I took on the job myself. I beat myself up, let guys use me, let friends use me... anything to get attention.
I started a meditation practice 8 years ago (in my 30’s) and I started to let go of a lot but I still had the negative talk. About 4 years ago I was given tools to stop and retrain my subconscious. (Thanks to Elaina Beam). She taught me that every time a negative thought comes my way to, in my mind, say...
“STOP think of something beautiful”
I did this consistently for 2 weeks, I put post-it notes on my computer, reminders on my phone to help me remember! After that 2 week period the negative talk had mostly stopped... even now if a negative thought comes in I immediately think of something beautiful and it goes away. The thoughts rarely come.
My beautiful place was a grassy hill that I would meditate, dance or I would be with family and friends. Over the years I’ve realized there is a waterfall on the other side and it was actually a mountain. Your beautiful place can be anywhere that brings you joy, make it up!!
This practice saved me, made me a better mother, a better person... allowed me to start to see the truth of who I am.
