Last night I was meditating and I was struck with grief from a place I thought was long gone. I allowed myself to feel the pain... and the memories flooded in.
I was raised in church, born again Christian denomination. Even when mom wasn’t going I would go with my aunt or my grandma. My closest friends were at church and I loved going. When my mom got sick she stopped going because she didn’t want to be pitied. My mom died when I was 14 (3 years after getting sick) and I went through a really hard time. I rebelled during the time mom was sick and when she died. I was smoking, drinking, sneaking out of the house with friends, going to parties. I was way too young and was doing anything to not feel the loss of my mom. During this time people at the church started talking behind my back, I’m sure about the bad kid they thought I was. I remember walking across town to go to church on a Wednesday night with my friend. We didn’t know we were going to go and we had shorts on. We went to church anyway and I’ll never forget the preacher, from the pulpit, preaching at us for wearing “shorts in God’s house”. I thought it would matter more that we were there... This was within a year of my mom dying. This experience was just one of many lessons in being judged by others in church. I started to distrust God and started building more barriers against religion.
Through it all I remembered the feeling of closeness I felt with the one who created me. I remember the feeling I always had in my heart for the connection to the spirit that held me when I opened my heart. On this journey to loving myself I have opened my heart to all the love this life has to offer, especially the love of God. I am grateful to feel so much love all around me and to know that my “church” is my Meditation practice and gatherings with my tribe. I only need to go within to talk to God, to see my truth and to connect to my heart. Nothing outside of me can bring me closer to God. My relationship is mine and may differ from others on their path and it’s all so perfect.
It’s all so perfect!
So I say thank you now to the memories of the past. Without those experiences I wouldn’t be me and I wouldn’t have learned this very beautiful lesson of love. Every moment has lead to this one and I’m grateful for it all.
Thank you God, I love you. ❤️
